What was it like, being suicidal for sevenyears?

Me with my niece and nephew! They always make me smile as much as I make them smile!

I know this may be a tough subject for many people to talk about, especially with a good number of people (especially LGBT members) still going through this phase or just got over this phase. Suicide is not an easy topic to talk about and even reading about someone else's experience with suicide is hard to do. The reason why I'm writing this post today is because I want to share with everyone how I came to terms with my suicidal thoughts both as an LGBT member and as a human in general.

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I just want to share with everyone a few things about myself before I share my experience: I'm Keith, 21 years old, currently out of work for at least a few months due to an unknown diagnosis that makes it difficult for me to walk, and I am diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I came out gay at the age of 14 after three years of internal conflict between two different sides of me (and, of course at the time of puberty) only to discover that I will have another four years of suicide before that phase of my life will end.

I remember my first three years of attempted suicide and internal conflict as well as I know how I get when I have an anxiety attack. What I mean by this is this: Whenever I have an anxiety attack, I know it like the back of my hand . Between the ages of 12 and 14 (three years of my life), I didn't have any friends, I barely talked to my family because I didn't know who I really was, and I tried many things to try and do myself in. If you do not wish to read the rest of this post, you can go to the last few paragraphs to see what I've learned from this experience and how important it is to overcome suicide.

I remember what I did these days and I remember what I was attempting to do: kill myself without my family noticing. I come from a Catholic family and I grew up learning how to value life and how to love each other as their own. It's kind of a contradiction, wouldn't you say? A catholic struggling whether or not to accept his homosexuality or not and try and commit suicide? Although it may be contradictory, I also grew up believing that suicide was the worst sin to commit because it was "spitting God in the face for the life He gave you." So here was an impasse in my life that relates to my suicide attempts: should I live the "sin" of being gay or should I attempt the sin of suicide? Was suffrage worse than death in this situation? Was death an easy ticket out of this? Was this all just a challenge given to me, by some higher deity, to see if being gay was a fact of my life that I had to live with? If so, was being gay a real "sin"? I grew up with teachings from a Roman Catholic priest that "God gives you the gift of life" and yet here I was, trying to kill myself by not drinking water from time to time, not eating some days, and even choking myself in the middle of class without anyone watching.

The three years of my suicidal life was, by far, the worst time in my life. For three years, I tried different attempts; however, here's a kicker: every time I tried, a voice in my head shouted at me to "STOP!" You see, before I came out, I was struggling between two different sides of "me": the Gay Keith and the Catholic Keith. Constantly, each side would ask different questions as if it was a presidential debate to win; however, it was also a debate where both sides wanted the same thing while the "struggling me" was doing something they did not want: attempting to take my own life. Both sides trying to win me over valued life, but the struggling me, getting beaten up by myself, couldn't help but think, "Is this even worth it?" I guess you could say this was the precursor to my depression and GAD diagnoses.

After two years of this struggling, in 8th grade (when I was 14), I have no idea why but the struggling me got interested in two topics: religion and culinary arts. To this day, I still laugh at some of these memories, recalling how I will intently study different religions online or at my Middle School's library to learn something new. Was this me, subconsciously, asking myself, "Is there any light that can be shined down on my situation?" I will say this, about the religion, three religious figures gave me some confidence: Buddha from Buddhism, Jesus Christ from Christianity, and Guru Nanak Dev from Sikhism. When I was studying these religious figures, I began to admire them because all three preached the value of life and how important it is for everyone to find peace of mind, nirvana, love each other, etc. Although I began to find some courage to see how important life is, my interest in culinary was a different story.

When I was 17 and finishing up my culinary degree. Wow, this was four years ago and I changed a lot since then!

I really don't know why, but I got into cooking when I was 13 or so and even went into a technical school, instead of high school, for culinary arts. Before and after I came out gay, a lot of things happened with this interest: sometimes, when I was holding a knife, I would feel a sudden urge to just pass it through my wrists. When this urge came up from within me, I would immediately put the knife down or throw it in the sink and walk away for a couple minutes. This urge came so many times up until I finally found peace of mind to accept my homosexuality.

This may be hard to say, but during my 8th grade year in Middle School, I also saw the school psychologist. God do I wish to remember his name, but his face is implanted in my mind like a tattoo: his face reminded me of Dr. Hammond from Jurassic Park but his personality reminded me of Pope John Paul II. I guess you could say he was the first real friend, he'll the first person, I could even talk to about my life and life in general. I started seeing him because my 8th grade English teacher somehow saw through me and saw me as a student who needed "help." Would that be the right word? I really don't know, but I know that I can really thank her (again, I wish I could remember her name) for allowing me to see the school psychologist.

After seeing him for a year, I remember one vital lesson he gave me that really helped me come to terms with my sexuality. He told me, in a different but more understanding way, what the meaning of preserving and appreciating life is and how important it is, for me, to be myself. Now, I never told him about my sexuality; however, at the end of 8th Grade, I came out gay to my classmates. However this may be, I did make one move in my life that I both regret but am thankful for: going to a technical school.

Everyone else in my 8th grade class went to a normal high school; however, I applied to go to this technical school for Culinary Arts just for the he'll of it and, on my 14th birthday, I received a letter that I was accepted. Once 8th grade was over with, I thought I could start a new life and make new friends at this technical school.

But I was wrong.

I came out gay my freshman year of high school. Every person I met, telling them I was gay was the first thing in my mind. You could say I was so overjoyed that I finally came to terms with my homosexuality that I wanted to share the news with the world. Wellhere's the kicker: I was one of two openly gay students (as far as I was aware of) in my whole class; the other one was a dance major and I was a culinary major, so we had two different schedules and never got a chance to actually talk. Adding to this, I was surrounded by people that we're homophobic in my culinary classes and in my regular academic classes. I remember always being the center of attention for jokes and mockery. Although I came out gay, I realized I did not come to terms with my suicidal thoughts.

Throughout high school, I was constantly mocked in my class about this one small fact about me. Was it wrong of me to come out gay? How should I handle this? Who should I go to? What can I do? I thought I understood that life was precious, so why am I still suicidal? Why am I still putting knives down, still getting those urges? Well, for most of my high school life, I did see the school psychologist frequently so I had someone to run/talk to. I remember this one time when a guy pushed my limits and started dancing on me, humping me as if sex was the only thing on my mind, so I punched him in the stomach. That was during my freshman year. From sophomore year until my second semester of senior year, I was suicidal, kept to myself and the friends I had outside of my school, and struggled to figure out why I was still suicidal even after I came out gay.

Read Below if you did not want to read my suicidal section.

Well, to this day I still really don't know why I was suicidal, but there was one thing that stopped those thoughts from ever coming into my head: I was actually almost killed .

Although this story can be laughable from a large picture, actually looking at the fine details, it was a scary situation. Prior to going into this, I want to share something about my senior year: I was able to drive to school, so every day, I would be made fun of and be called "faggot, queer, homo, cocksucker" before and after school. One day, in the second semester of school, I wasn't made fun of. Of course, I did all I can to ignore them; however, I found it odd that this group of 14 juniors and sophomores didn't make fun of me because it was an everyday thing! Well, this is what happened: when I got into my car and started it up, carbon monoxide flooded the inside of my car and I nearly fainted with the car still running. After a few minutes, I was able to get out of the car, turn it off, and heard someone shout to me, "KEITH! THERE'S A POTATO IN YOUR MUFFLER!"

A potato in my muffler? Really? I was nearly killed by a potato? When I discovered this, two people came over to my car and helped get the potato out of my muffler (it had to be at least 8 inches long). Well, as it turns out, the 14 kids that constantly mocked me we're behind that little "joke that nearly killed me" and we're charged by the school. I didn't press personal charges because I recalled back to one of my questions I asked myself, "Is suffrage worse than death?" If I pressed charges against these kids, wouldn't that constitute as killing their chances at school and they would be able to link it all back to me? Would me pressing charges against them be murdering their chances of life? Why should I press charges when my life was threatened by others, when I threatened my own life? This is when I realized the importance of life and how my suicidal thoughts began to fade away. I saw that someone tried to take my own life and I had a chance to actually kill their lives through job-killing and putting something permanent on their files. I had a second chance after realizing that it was okay for me to accept my homosexuality and yes, I did suffer for four more years of suicidal thoughts; however, I was given another chance at life with this near death experience.

I remembered some of the teachings I learned from Buddha, Jesus Christ, and Guru Nanak Dev when I had the chance to press charges. I did not press charges because I did not feel a sense of revenge, but I felt a sense of giving those kids a lesson. I forgave them just as how the Buddha, Jesus, and Guru Nanak forgave others for them to realize certain things about their lives. You could say, after four years without any suicidal thoughts now, I look up to those three religious figures as figures of peace, understanding, and personifications of how important life is. They helped others with their lives, so here I am, sharing my story and following their footsteps, in sharing my story so I can help others as well.

I know, I know. This may be a bit confusing, long, and hard to understand in under 2500 words, but this is where I ask you all to look at the big picture: what was it like, being suicidal for seven years? It was hell.

What was it like reading my past about being suicidal? It was muffly, confusing, and filled with many intense situations.

What was it like writing my own story for everyone to read? Painful, but also relieving. It also brings a sense of peace in my mind that I was able to share this story with everyone and as many people as possible.

But now, here are some questions for you all: What did you learn from this? Were you able to relate to my story? If so, how? Would you share this story to see if it can be of help to others who may not be on the same path I was, but on a similar path ?

Being suicidal was definitely a very confusing and dark period of my life. I hope that my story can be reached to many people around the world because I realized how important life is. I've brought myself close to death many times, but it took someone else's hands to bring me close to death to realize my life is worth fighting for. Everyone has the right to live their lives as they see fit. Everyone has the right to live with their own shadows to overcome. Everyone has the right to have a good love of life. Today, I'm proud to say that my suicidal days are over and I realized how important life is.

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Posted in Personal Development Post Date 10/09/2021


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